Tag Archives: world

A don’t-care type of guy

7 Apr
I so don’t care.
I’m done with this entire round-shaped world.
The only “entire” thing left in me is the bottle of red wine.
I don’t wanna think.
I wanna thank. That this moment came.
Finally came to purify me and take some silliness away.
I don’t care about school; I don’t care about what a teacher will put me tomorrow, don’t care how big the prison of stupid tasks and work will be. I so don’t care how much I will sleep and eat. I feel nothing for almost all the people, for almost all the events. I don’t listen to what they say, I don’t feel how they try to hurt me.
I let all the feelings go. I’m empty like that entire bottle of wine. All I see is pure white. The endless infinity of white world.
I’m not scared of the future. I don’t care what I will have to do.  I’ve got everything I need. I’ve got the sense to live and my person. I’m completely indifferent what steps I will have to make to reach, I will do. I’m not afraid. Even if I don’t enter a university I will stay calm because I know that everything happens for a reason. I will take any chance to grow up and develop myself. When I let my fear go I realized that I’m able to think clearly, act naturally and understand things. While I stay calm I can go on, go up and never down.
I’m not overwhelmed. I stopped worrying about my mental problems, about my core and my… unperceived, unconditional, uncontrolled and purely natural choice.
I let my anger go. I forgave all people that ever hurt me; I forget all the bad things. Eventually the chaos in my head started turning into a slightly seen bunch of shelves. Unless this is not the impassable, inexplicable and interfering with my work eternal chaos.
I built a wal l. Made of glass. Nobody and nothing can get through it. If they can’t break the wall they can’t get me and fill with their stupidity and misery. They won’t distract me and show the wrong way.
This is my golden time to work and develop in order to become the spirit. This is only for two people in the whole world now.
I don’t care about the world I know. I mean the law, absurd, routine, boring and absoulutely hypocritical part of the World.

“If the world is so wrong then you can FUCK them all with one song!” yeah?

 

I’ll create a new world. THE ONE, my own.
Some will come, something will be gone.
Art and love are those things having sense, the first will go through time, the second one will watch me burn.
I’ll still dream on!
I will never come undone.

1 gloomy birthday 6

17 Aug

Something strange, non-understandable but that’s how I roll

I can’t believe it’s true! I am 16, I am a high school senior, I got a passport. It seems to me that all these 16 years I was waiting for something huge. Let’s be honest. All of us think that we are something outstanding, something that is in the sky, far away from such crap as money, commitment, society or words of people we don’t know and will never meet.
My life is always about something fatal. Like death, getting a brand new family which I hate, having almost only girls as friends, meeting the femme fatale who changed my life forever, falling in love, knowing how it hurts and finally making a brave face because you never want to show how much you are scared about the future.

There are two worlds in me: the valley of death and the statue of liberty. The first tries to make me die, the second one is the fire that is burning in my heart and eyes. The cruel world tries to bring me down and drag me into the abyss of death. I have to run. I have to fight. I have to fly. I have to crucify. I have to resurrect. I have to be brave and strong. The thing that I have never fallen down on my knees is just a miracle. But I believe in miracles.

The problem is that I still can’t understand myself. Who am I? Who am I living for? What am I living for? I don’t know what to choose. I am split into two. I want to be a journalist and a physician. But I realize it can’t be both. So what should I choose? I have only 15 days left. I don’t want to spend 10 years learning and after all discover that I don’t want to be a physician. But if I choose journalism I’m afraid to connect myself with something I don’ like. And it’s not about advice or money or career. It’s all about me. It’s all about what I love more, what kind of person I will become.

One of the worst things of my existence is that I live in Ukraine. I want to live and work in the USA, to be with my soul mate, just become happy. I don’t want to be miserable. The only way for me is to get education in the US which means entering a college. My stepfather is an idiot; my mother is too busy with her work so I have to think about my education myself. I can work hard, I don’t complain about it. But when I realize how much fucking aspects of getting this education I’ll have to face I understand that for me it is a very heavy baggage. I’m just sixteen, I am inexperienced, poor, I started thinking only some time ago so I don’t know how to keep all this under control. I hate the world religion. I hate paper they pray for. I want to be something more than that. What if paper and numbers will cut the head of my dream? This is so stupid! So fucking stupid! All these tuitions, governments, laws, immigration services, all those motherfuckers I mean racist, homophobic, angry people get me down. I have to fight with this abyss of ignorance before it devours me. It’s all or nothing, sink or swim.

I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a bit pensive. But keep my head high. I never give up. I promise to my music, to my person, to the emptiness that I will burn cities, I will fly if not then I will crawl, but I will never cut my fingers and build a coffin! I’m gonna build my Empire State Building, I’m gonna be on its top, I’m gonna find the biggest bullhorn and scream DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON!!!! by Aerosmith. No matter what way I will choose I will try… Try to do everything I am told and taught. Never forget and never leave alone. I will feel! In heart!

This piece of something, I don’t really know how to name it correctly but this is some kind of confession of guy who is so lonely that has to write all this crap because there’s no one really around to hear me and understand me. My dreams are miles away. I hope that many years will pass and I will read my article again. Smiling, laughing, because I’m not alone and everything is alright. This is the period of changing, so I believe that no matter how much we all will have to suffer we will finally see our own light at the end of the tunnel. Out of darkness.

ImageImageImageImageImageImage

The problem of greed for power and enrichment in the interpretation of Emile Zola

29 Apr

Image

All parents screw up their children.

House M.D

Emile Zola wanted to unite both physiological and social aspects in order to reveal the history of the society. So the task of the “La Fortune des Rougon” was to study the question of heredity and environment following the example of one family. Zola believed in the obligatory heredity, which “has its own laws” but he also took into consideration the fate.

The founder of the Rougon-Macquarts was Adelaide Fouque. During her life she had two husbands, which she had children of. They passed their features of character on their children, who became their images. It’s well-known that copies always differ from the original.

Neither Adelaide, nor Macquart, nor Rougon had time to spend for their children, so they were raised themselves. So the parents corrupted their children. Antoine, Pierre and Ursule also passed their features of character on their children.

“The typical features of Rougon-Macquarts, the group, the family I’m going to study were irrepressible longings, our restless time, which aspire to pleasures of the life.” – Emile Zola.

The whole family, all generations were longing to an easy way of enrichment and couldn’t agree to less. All of them were corrupted by heredity and bringing up. They weren’t interested what the world would look like, they weren’t interested in any kinds of philosophy either, they were ready the follow the way, which would lead to material goods.

Time has changed. Nowadays world views differ from the ones during the Second Empire. Those days it was typical to be crazy about money, as for today such people are said to be weird, negative. To prove the truth of the idea about children corrupted by parents I’d like to bring the example of Pascal, the son of Pierre, who was the eldest son of Adelaide. He liked science, he didn’t need money, he studied people’s physiology. That was the reason why he was thought to be weird. But now we bow to such people, glorify them. So Pascal was corrupted by not being corrupted. He got his own point of view, independent from the society. Probably the character of Pascal was the symbol of the possibility of a still remediable situation, that there could be people who didn’t touch the “Golden Fever” of Rougon-Macquarts.

Adelaide understood who were their children, who she was in the times when she lost everything. The children left here alone in an old house so she could take a stock of the satiation from her own side. Adelaide realized she had given birth to creatures not better than wolfs.

E. Zola interprets the greed for power and enrichment as a biological process “adjusted” by people. And it has its own laws. Well, the writer was a symbolist, it is well-known. But to my mind he examined this problem in a too narrow way. Motives aren’t meaningful. Only the result is meaningful. It means, again according to my point of view, that heredity means nothing; it doesn’t matter why they were willing to catch an easy gain, and the only important thing here is what they reached. Personally I respect the family of Rougon-Macquarts in sense of the fact that they were fighting for what they believed in. And they won.

Of course it is not right to divide the world into “good and bad”. Good and evil are always together. However everybody has its own opinion. I don’t think we have a right to judge any person for its lifestyle. Yes, I agree that money is quite important in our life, but there is no way it can become the main life purpose. If to regard our life as art, I can cite Sandra Starukaite who said “Where money begins, there art ends up”. People are programmed to search for the easiest ways of solving the problem. So would it be objective to judge the family of Rougon-Macquarts for the appropriated with nature activity? As Emile Zolasaid, “you can’t fight the nature.

So it means his work was just to depict the epoch, taking into consideration his point of view. No matter how much the author wanted to avoid “appreciating what he depicts” he didn’t manage, ‘cause we can see the opinion of the writer for money.

This problem is senseless, ‘cause money has always influenced people. It’s not necessary to write a novel just to say how ugly and crippled the world is being healthy physically. The question of willing an easy gain is controversial. Of course it is so grim when money influence who we are. But people will either realize it, or not.

Le-me-be!

26 Feb

I wanna be uncool!

                                       Courtney Love

 

“Courtney Love – Uncool” 

I was impressed by this song. I am not sure I have a brilliant understanding of the meaning of it, but its conception impressed me and inspired me, shortly made my brain flood with thoughts.

My company’s so cheap

I don’t mean to be haughty or too clever or too adult or too immodest or too self-confident. I mean to be myself. I find a lot of people idiotic. Now I’m having such a period when the voices of different people freak me out even more than the “art” of Nicki Minaj. Tonight my costume is a strong wind and I blow away every time I see something that is not interesting for me. Sometimes I hurt people by it, I hurt myself, I move away from people, dooming myself to be alone. But I can take it. There is nothing more terrifying for me than lying to myself again and again and in the same time limiting me freedom. I don’t need those friends talking behind my back, those teachers who want to share their “life experience” and judging if you think it is not for you. They don’t know the way I am, don’t know my path, they haven’t reached anything really great. It takes me down so much. I’m not gonna say that I am the cleverest here or the best or that I can do everything, I can’t! I always say to myself “Don’t relax, idiot, you have to fight and fight”. I have to learn lots of things, but now I’m trying to follow my heart. Because I don’t need those lessons someone else learned. Those people. Good God! They are so stupid! They are in the cage on the bottom of the ocean, they locked themselves there, put imaginary shark-guards outside and keep on being there, having a key in their hands. Do you remember those shark-guards are imaginary? They complain they are tired of their life. They have to do things they don’t wanna do, bringing the mood of others down. GET YOUR ASS UP AND UNLOCK THE CAGE! THERE ARE NO SHARKS THERE! Isn’t such a life empty? After all you can swim wherever you want…
 I don’t need your respect or your friendship, I don’t want you to be nice with me. I don’t. I appreciate people who are near me. They understand that this is the way I am. They say I am a weird one in a good sense. I like it.

 And all my grief keeps multipying and I pretend to feel no pain.    

    What can I say? You may say “Poor little boy. He doesn’t know the real life, so why is he complaining?” I can say that I suffer every day. You may answer “Are you too grown up? Too clever? Oh Alex! You are just a kid!”. You may be right, but in the times I become an ass and seem to be like those words, I just try to stay strong. I feel like in prison. I can’t do the thing I wanna do, I have to be surrounded by clinic idiots, who I hate. So please, don’t judge me, ‘cause you never know what might happen to a person. You may say I am so into the future. But I can’t breathe in the present. I am a “future guy”, but still I try to be bound to now, because I love my life with all its freaks.  

My stepfather’s words: “This is your holy duty!”


This phrase blew my mind out! Seriously? Must I read these 300 pages of school bulshit? Is it my duty? To whom am I obliged? To those hypocritical people at school? Maybe for you? Or for our minister of education, who firstly started the auto examinations which helped clever people from poor families to enter a prestigious university and then that minister started entering exams again, which will bring boys and girls with rich daddies enter a university not because of knowledge, but because of a heavy purse! Where is the truth? So whom am I obliged to all this? To whom? God! How can we do anything for people who steal our money, who bring us lower than other people? So shut your fucking mouth up and understand that we mustn’t do anything for them! And don’t you dare to give me any instructions about my “holy duties”! This is my life and I won’t allow this disrespect!
But anyway he answered: «There are a lot of things I have to do at work, which I don’t like to do.” So what does it mean? That I should be like a zombie-prisoner? It’s like standing on the edge of nowhere. You don’t jump just because they say you are still “obliged”. So for what to study at school, doing the things you hate, just to be at a new place where you will have to do the same? Like my dad? NO WAY! I don’t need your money, I don’t need your Power Plants and army, I don’t need your slavery. I just wanna enjoy the thing I like to do. That’s all. I will better be nobody being someone (I mean I will stand on my own, living my own independent life) than being somebody with those $375 but with a hole in my sole.  
People! I pray for you! For those who can find a gun of bravery and shout all these dogs who are trying to bite you in your ass down. I take my imaginary hat off for you! And wish you 2 main things: to stay strong and be healthy for it.

              Am I gonna lose?

Oh please! What to lose? You know you can do anything when you have nothing left to lose. Follow your dream no matter what! They are just a crowd! Let these words stay in your mind! They will never understand if you say you are not going to pass any exams like others do or if you say you are about to leave your uni! Just watch them all being shocked with an artless smile on your face. I am with you watching them all be burned.

I WANNA BE UNCOOL!

Yeah baby! You think I am uncool! Ok! I am. And I happy! I will keep on playing my Russian roulette peeing when winning and sewing all the holes in my head up, because I am not afraid of being uncool. I will leave this town with a rock show, telling to all the haters or other dirt which can stick to my shoes. I am not gonna have less. I don’t know if I deserve all these above, but I believe that I do. I am not perfect. Please, don’t like me, try to stop me, but you should know that when a bear tries to find some food he will kill you to put you in his mouth.
But remember: Mona Lisa is so small, but a masterpiece, you know?

LET   –   ME  –   BE   –   UNCOOL