Tag Archives: ukraine

1 gloomy birthday 6

17 Aug

Something strange, non-understandable but that’s how I roll

I can’t believe it’s true! I am 16, I am a high school senior, I got a passport. It seems to me that all these 16 years I was waiting for something huge. Let’s be honest. All of us think that we are something outstanding, something that is in the sky, far away from such crap as money, commitment, society or words of people we don’t know and will never meet.
My life is always about something fatal. Like death, getting a brand new family which I hate, having almost only girls as friends, meeting the femme fatale who changed my life forever, falling in love, knowing how it hurts and finally making a brave face because you never want to show how much you are scared about the future.

There are two worlds in me: the valley of death and the statue of liberty. The first tries to make me die, the second one is the fire that is burning in my heart and eyes. The cruel world tries to bring me down and drag me into the abyss of death. I have to run. I have to fight. I have to fly. I have to crucify. I have to resurrect. I have to be brave and strong. The thing that I have never fallen down on my knees is just a miracle. But I believe in miracles.

The problem is that I still can’t understand myself. Who am I? Who am I living for? What am I living for? I don’t know what to choose. I am split into two. I want to be a journalist and a physician. But I realize it can’t be both. So what should I choose? I have only 15 days left. I don’t want to spend 10 years learning and after all discover that I don’t want to be a physician. But if I choose journalism I’m afraid to connect myself with something I don’ like. And it’s not about advice or money or career. It’s all about me. It’s all about what I love more, what kind of person I will become.

One of the worst things of my existence is that I live in Ukraine. I want to live and work in the USA, to be with my soul mate, just become happy. I don’t want to be miserable. The only way for me is to get education in the US which means entering a college. My stepfather is an idiot; my mother is too busy with her work so I have to think about my education myself. I can work hard, I don’t complain about it. But when I realize how much fucking aspects of getting this education I’ll have to face I understand that for me it is a very heavy baggage. I’m just sixteen, I am inexperienced, poor, I started thinking only some time ago so I don’t know how to keep all this under control. I hate the world religion. I hate paper they pray for. I want to be something more than that. What if paper and numbers will cut the head of my dream? This is so stupid! So fucking stupid! All these tuitions, governments, laws, immigration services, all those motherfuckers I mean racist, homophobic, angry people get me down. I have to fight with this abyss of ignorance before it devours me. It’s all or nothing, sink or swim.

I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a bit pensive. But keep my head high. I never give up. I promise to my music, to my person, to the emptiness that I will burn cities, I will fly if not then I will crawl, but I will never cut my fingers and build a coffin! I’m gonna build my Empire State Building, I’m gonna be on its top, I’m gonna find the biggest bullhorn and scream DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON!!!! by Aerosmith. No matter what way I will choose I will try… Try to do everything I am told and taught. Never forget and never leave alone. I will feel! In heart!

This piece of something, I don’t really know how to name it correctly but this is some kind of confession of guy who is so lonely that has to write all this crap because there’s no one really around to hear me and understand me. My dreams are miles away. I hope that many years will pass and I will read my article again. Smiling, laughing, because I’m not alone and everything is alright. This is the period of changing, so I believe that no matter how much we all will have to suffer we will finally see our own light at the end of the tunnel. Out of darkness.

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Love

12 Jul

Love

I said I’d never write about love. But I couldn’t help. I want to write about how painful loving the one who will never be with you is.

All of us know the feeling when there’s something wambling and wambling in your stomach. It’s like rolling from a 400 feet hill down when your suprarenal glands release adrenaline and all you can is to soundlessly scream inside and barely breath.

So the grimmest things are: the fact that you can’t say how much you love the person and that in some days you’ll have to leave and will never see this person again…

Memories:

I won’t tell the name of my love, I will just call it “this person” or “it”. It will be less painful for me. From the moment I first saw this person I could never think I would fall in love with it. It only proves that love doesn’t know any special canons or prejudices. It proves there is no perfect personality for me. The only I can say about this person is that it is married, in its twentieth, has a child and is not a person of an extraordinary appearance. But this person is clever, witty, wise, interesting, has a great sense of humor and is charming. Just in few hours I realized that I need this person around to help me keep on breathing. I spent almost all my days just being in one room and listening to Courtney Love, Placebo, Marilyn Manson, Amy Winehouse, Evanesence and Madonna waiting for the time I could see my person again. When it was around I was some kind like drunk, like in euphoria, but when my love was not around there was a clod in my throat and I felt pain in my throat and stomach. I should also mention that the place I met this person was in one city in Russia, where I came for 10 days to see my relatives. I have also to mention that the person I fell in love with is not my relative but lived in the neighboring flat and visited the place I lived often. With each passing day I realized I would have to leave for Ukraine soon. So my grief was multiplying. In some moments it hurt more than always. For example when I saw its child and saw that they had the same crystal blue eyes. Or when this person was sitting next to me and watching some stuff on my notebook and then I went to another room to have a mean and when I came back I could still feel the smell of my its body. Or when I was just walking somewhere and could feel the smell of its car. Or when I had to watch my person’s wedding video, where this person is happy not with me, where it promise to love someone else forever and you have to seem to be smiling, to be happy for them. This was just unbearable. Knowing I will never have a chance to hear those Russian notes in voice that accentuate all vowel sounds…  But anyway in the city where there are no friends of mine this person became some kind of my friend, supporting life in me. After all the doom day of coming back home was about to hug me hard. There are no words to describe how painful and… how painful it was. But I had to face it. I had to be strong all the time. Nobody had the right to see my soul, to understand my condition. I think that time is the best healer so I need some time for recovery. I came back home scary and broken.

How does it feel when your love is the biggest secret you ever happened to have. How does it feel when the person you love is your biggest fear? This is the secret you cannot even discuss with your mind. This secret makes you forget about all principles like being yourself and telling the truth. So you don’t know who you are anymore. This is the moment you realize you are being changed. Yes, people do change. Of course this is completely not about telling the truth to the person you love.

In such moment you understand that no one is going to get you, but this is my guilt only. So you make a brave face put on a smile and try to forget that no fucking philosophers’, psychologists’ and friends’ advice will even slightly come to the point of helping you. The best anyone can do is to give you a good friend hug. And the only thing to help is tequila or red wine.

Being ready is being sure in the place and in the person you are going to share your pain or anything else with. So I’m not ready and won’t be ready for a long time more.

03.07.2012

14:54

Russia

“Memories”:

11.07.2012

18:18

Somewhere in Ukraine