Tag Archives: music

A don’t-care type of guy

7 Apr
I so don’t care.
I’m done with this entire round-shaped world.
The only “entire” thing left in me is the bottle of red wine.
I don’t wanna think.
I wanna thank. That this moment came.
Finally came to purify me and take some silliness away.
I don’t care about school; I don’t care about what a teacher will put me tomorrow, don’t care how big the prison of stupid tasks and work will be. I so don’t care how much I will sleep and eat. I feel nothing for almost all the people, for almost all the events. I don’t listen to what they say, I don’t feel how they try to hurt me.
I let all the feelings go. I’m empty like that entire bottle of wine. All I see is pure white. The endless infinity of white world.
I’m not scared of the future. I don’t care what I will have to do.  I’ve got everything I need. I’ve got the sense to live and my person. I’m completely indifferent what steps I will have to make to reach, I will do. I’m not afraid. Even if I don’t enter a university I will stay calm because I know that everything happens for a reason. I will take any chance to grow up and develop myself. When I let my fear go I realized that I’m able to think clearly, act naturally and understand things. While I stay calm I can go on, go up and never down.
I’m not overwhelmed. I stopped worrying about my mental problems, about my core and my… unperceived, unconditional, uncontrolled and purely natural choice.
I let my anger go. I forgave all people that ever hurt me; I forget all the bad things. Eventually the chaos in my head started turning into a slightly seen bunch of shelves. Unless this is not the impassable, inexplicable and interfering with my work eternal chaos.
I built a wal l. Made of glass. Nobody and nothing can get through it. If they can’t break the wall they can’t get me and fill with their stupidity and misery. They won’t distract me and show the wrong way.
This is my golden time to work and develop in order to become the spirit. This is only for two people in the whole world now.
I don’t care about the world I know. I mean the law, absurd, routine, boring and absoulutely hypocritical part of the World.

“If the world is so wrong then you can FUCK them all with one song!” yeah?

 

I’ll create a new world. THE ONE, my own.
Some will come, something will be gone.
Art and love are those things having sense, the first will go through time, the second one will watch me burn.
I’ll still dream on!
I will never come undone.
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Amy Winehouse

8 Jan

This is not dedicated to her death or birthday anniversary. It’s about Amy’s art.

She was always laughed at. Paparazzi did their job well taking pictures of her drunk or “ridiculus”. But  the moment she died was the upgrade of her career. The minute ago she was the dirt, the next moment “Back To Black” is on the top of Billbord and her creative work is risen up to the skies.

Amy was a gifted girl. She has opened the sacred secret of love and feelings.

Her songs reflect pain, sorrow, not sadness, grief, tears and … humility. She wasn’t protesting, didn’t maked a big show of “words-and-no-deeds”. She sang soul songs. Painful, profound and inconsolable songs.

When I plunge her songs I fell that she loved and failed, loved so much she died. Amy burned black, died for love in all ways, ispecially physically. They said she needed rehab, drugs killed her. Of course journalists are good at overplaying and telling lies. They will raze to the ground anyone to get a great blatant story.

“Love is loosing game”. She wished she had never played this game. Life is a loosing game, Amy, yes? We all are seeking the raison d’etre even in semirandom events. We all can’t admit that we’ll die and will never care again about anything. There is nothing there. What a wonder to find your love and stop seeking because you already know the answer. How great and priceless it is. How painfully it hits.

Amy Winehouse failed. Like all of us will do. Some people will call this “the path of least resistance”. But he walked away and never came back. The grief and pain she had to face. So much was cried out and written out.

And those people and mass media. Their “Rehabilitaion”. She didn’t care. Didn’t want to go there. Because she already knew the end.

Amy Winehouse burned to ashes, she knew everything and was ready. Why suffer, why wake up alone, why suffer?

Some of us will see a crazy addict bitch, some of us wil see a girl who was killed by love.

And one more thing that irritates. 27 years old, alcohol, drugs, music, death… This is the classic Rock’n’Roll story. How much money those madmen got. But they don’t see the tragedy. This  cynicism afficts so much. Those morons trivialize music and art.

“They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no! I ain’t got the time”. Don’t go.

Do you yearn? Because I do.

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1 gloomy birthday 6

17 Aug

Something strange, non-understandable but that’s how I roll

I can’t believe it’s true! I am 16, I am a high school senior, I got a passport. It seems to me that all these 16 years I was waiting for something huge. Let’s be honest. All of us think that we are something outstanding, something that is in the sky, far away from such crap as money, commitment, society or words of people we don’t know and will never meet.
My life is always about something fatal. Like death, getting a brand new family which I hate, having almost only girls as friends, meeting the femme fatale who changed my life forever, falling in love, knowing how it hurts and finally making a brave face because you never want to show how much you are scared about the future.

There are two worlds in me: the valley of death and the statue of liberty. The first tries to make me die, the second one is the fire that is burning in my heart and eyes. The cruel world tries to bring me down and drag me into the abyss of death. I have to run. I have to fight. I have to fly. I have to crucify. I have to resurrect. I have to be brave and strong. The thing that I have never fallen down on my knees is just a miracle. But I believe in miracles.

The problem is that I still can’t understand myself. Who am I? Who am I living for? What am I living for? I don’t know what to choose. I am split into two. I want to be a journalist and a physician. But I realize it can’t be both. So what should I choose? I have only 15 days left. I don’t want to spend 10 years learning and after all discover that I don’t want to be a physician. But if I choose journalism I’m afraid to connect myself with something I don’ like. And it’s not about advice or money or career. It’s all about me. It’s all about what I love more, what kind of person I will become.

One of the worst things of my existence is that I live in Ukraine. I want to live and work in the USA, to be with my soul mate, just become happy. I don’t want to be miserable. The only way for me is to get education in the US which means entering a college. My stepfather is an idiot; my mother is too busy with her work so I have to think about my education myself. I can work hard, I don’t complain about it. But when I realize how much fucking aspects of getting this education I’ll have to face I understand that for me it is a very heavy baggage. I’m just sixteen, I am inexperienced, poor, I started thinking only some time ago so I don’t know how to keep all this under control. I hate the world religion. I hate paper they pray for. I want to be something more than that. What if paper and numbers will cut the head of my dream? This is so stupid! So fucking stupid! All these tuitions, governments, laws, immigration services, all those motherfuckers I mean racist, homophobic, angry people get me down. I have to fight with this abyss of ignorance before it devours me. It’s all or nothing, sink or swim.

I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a bit pensive. But keep my head high. I never give up. I promise to my music, to my person, to the emptiness that I will burn cities, I will fly if not then I will crawl, but I will never cut my fingers and build a coffin! I’m gonna build my Empire State Building, I’m gonna be on its top, I’m gonna find the biggest bullhorn and scream DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON!!!! by Aerosmith. No matter what way I will choose I will try… Try to do everything I am told and taught. Never forget and never leave alone. I will feel! In heart!

This piece of something, I don’t really know how to name it correctly but this is some kind of confession of guy who is so lonely that has to write all this crap because there’s no one really around to hear me and understand me. My dreams are miles away. I hope that many years will pass and I will read my article again. Smiling, laughing, because I’m not alone and everything is alright. This is the period of changing, so I believe that no matter how much we all will have to suffer we will finally see our own light at the end of the tunnel. Out of darkness.

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Love

12 Jul

Love

I said I’d never write about love. But I couldn’t help. I want to write about how painful loving the one who will never be with you is.

All of us know the feeling when there’s something wambling and wambling in your stomach. It’s like rolling from a 400 feet hill down when your suprarenal glands release adrenaline and all you can is to soundlessly scream inside and barely breath.

So the grimmest things are: the fact that you can’t say how much you love the person and that in some days you’ll have to leave and will never see this person again…

Memories:

I won’t tell the name of my love, I will just call it “this person” or “it”. It will be less painful for me. From the moment I first saw this person I could never think I would fall in love with it. It only proves that love doesn’t know any special canons or prejudices. It proves there is no perfect personality for me. The only I can say about this person is that it is married, in its twentieth, has a child and is not a person of an extraordinary appearance. But this person is clever, witty, wise, interesting, has a great sense of humor and is charming. Just in few hours I realized that I need this person around to help me keep on breathing. I spent almost all my days just being in one room and listening to Courtney Love, Placebo, Marilyn Manson, Amy Winehouse, Evanesence and Madonna waiting for the time I could see my person again. When it was around I was some kind like drunk, like in euphoria, but when my love was not around there was a clod in my throat and I felt pain in my throat and stomach. I should also mention that the place I met this person was in one city in Russia, where I came for 10 days to see my relatives. I have also to mention that the person I fell in love with is not my relative but lived in the neighboring flat and visited the place I lived often. With each passing day I realized I would have to leave for Ukraine soon. So my grief was multiplying. In some moments it hurt more than always. For example when I saw its child and saw that they had the same crystal blue eyes. Or when this person was sitting next to me and watching some stuff on my notebook and then I went to another room to have a mean and when I came back I could still feel the smell of my its body. Or when I was just walking somewhere and could feel the smell of its car. Or when I had to watch my person’s wedding video, where this person is happy not with me, where it promise to love someone else forever and you have to seem to be smiling, to be happy for them. This was just unbearable. Knowing I will never have a chance to hear those Russian notes in voice that accentuate all vowel sounds…  But anyway in the city where there are no friends of mine this person became some kind of my friend, supporting life in me. After all the doom day of coming back home was about to hug me hard. There are no words to describe how painful and… how painful it was. But I had to face it. I had to be strong all the time. Nobody had the right to see my soul, to understand my condition. I think that time is the best healer so I need some time for recovery. I came back home scary and broken.

How does it feel when your love is the biggest secret you ever happened to have. How does it feel when the person you love is your biggest fear? This is the secret you cannot even discuss with your mind. This secret makes you forget about all principles like being yourself and telling the truth. So you don’t know who you are anymore. This is the moment you realize you are being changed. Yes, people do change. Of course this is completely not about telling the truth to the person you love.

In such moment you understand that no one is going to get you, but this is my guilt only. So you make a brave face put on a smile and try to forget that no fucking philosophers’, psychologists’ and friends’ advice will even slightly come to the point of helping you. The best anyone can do is to give you a good friend hug. And the only thing to help is tequila or red wine.

Being ready is being sure in the place and in the person you are going to share your pain or anything else with. So I’m not ready and won’t be ready for a long time more.

03.07.2012

14:54

Russia

“Memories”:

11.07.2012

18:18

Somewhere in Ukraine

MDNA addiction: How Queen Is She?

21 Apr

“This album is a non-metaphorical idea to prove the late first place in charts but still existing leadership in music industry by means of an exposed pop with fashionable electron and club beats.”

Alex Browning

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Recently we’ve had a great chance to enjoy the release of a brand new Madonna’s work “MDNA”. It was released on March 23, 2012 by Interscope Records. MDNA received generally positive reviews from music critics. But this time I’d like to take of stock of the album and express my own independent view about this piece of art. I’d like to start with the sequence of the album’s songs.

1.     I’m a sinner.

People find “Madonna way” antichristic and sinful. But as for her this is the way she exists. She is “like a train thundering through the hills”. Madonna is just doing what she can do the best way – to be a superstar. Madonna “lets those poisoned arrows fly” and keeps on singing “I’m a sinner, I like it”. As for the music it doesn’t give us anything new.

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2.     I don’t give a

Is to be the most provocative song of the album in which after the while of silence Madge kicks everyone’s ass and does it with her queen elegance and the absolute indigestion of being the second one. As for the song it is a combination of 21st century pop (which is actually just a new version of Madonna’s music of 80th and 90th) and a slight hip-hop with a Nicki Minaj recitative. I doubt this song to become a “teenage hip-hop brand” but let it be just a nice experimental collaboration. Nothing’s to be discussed, Madonna’s self-confident and taunting voice explains everything:

I’m gonna be OK
I don’t care what the people say
I’m gonna be alright
Gonna live fast and I’m gonna live right

The song is full of loud insolent “sayings” about the real status of Madonna, ‘cause it seemed that people just forgot that the real queen doesn’t need to put the crown on to be that one. So that we have:

There’s only one queen, and that’s Madonna
Bitch!

You (Madonna) are more original than Gaga

It’s good to be a smartass for a while, isn’t it?

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3.     Love spent.

This song is considered to be the best of the whole album. There is no deep meaning here, no wise thoughts, but it is still a great pop song.

It also seems to be a biographical song. She says that

“you can’t see
All that you need
Is life here with me”

Money were the reason for the “spent love” and for its walk away.

Its success is prompted by a qualitive computer processing work, simple lyrics and a very easy to remember refrain. I estimate this work as a strong and cool piece of pop.

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4.     Falling Free

Like “Love spent” it appears like a simple pop-prayer song accompanied by thin Madonna’s voice which becomes an independent weird pop song. There’s nothing special here but there is something more than mediocrity. It is some kind of a transcendental song for me. Listening to it we may have just controversial feelings. That’s why it’s not easy to confirm “Falling Free” to be good or bad pop song. Maybe it’s all Madonna?

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5.     Bang Gang

This is a very special song. It is sexy. When listening to it we can imagine the combination of blonde fatale woman, leather, tights, high porn hills on, guns and seductive lips. This can be compared with the beginning of Pamela Anderson’s career. The sound is represented by loud club beats, simple melody, and almost whispering voice. It describes the “Madonna-way” women, who can’t help being the first, who shot their boyfriends and remain the queens. Such women of course can’t be in the power of someone else.

But there is no doubt that this is song is about her ex-boyfriend. This man for Madonna was “The best thing she had”. So this “bitch” made Madonna feel like a looser, so she “made a decision, I would never look back” , because “You were building my coffin, You were driving my hearse”. After all, she says with cool bitchy voice

“Now if you’re gonna act like a bitch
Then you’re gonna die like a bitch”

“Now my lover is dead, and I have no regrets”

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5.     I’m addicted

It is a good experimental club-pop song with Madge vocals. Electron, club and pop beats create a powerful wave of sound. That is how 53 years old Madonna becomes young and rolls in clubs, dances to good teenage songs which still seems normal and sexy. After this bridge

I need this exchange
I don’t care if you think that I’m strange
Something happens to me when I hear your voice
Something happens to me and I have no choice

I need to hear your name
Everything feels so strange
I’m ready to take this chance
I need to dance

comes around the most powerful moment of the album. These beats bid your blood to run “like MDNA and that’s OK”. But still this song is not a masterpiece at all and to my mind is only half finished, even a bit dull, with no piquancy.

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6.     Girls gone wild 

It resembles “I’m addicted”. The same features: pop club, no clever meaning, good refrain. That is a nice naturally pop song, but Madonna’s voice makes it seem just a bit special, doesn’t it? Listening to it, I imagine a 23 years old woman, but not a 53 one. Being still young in sole and sexy in movements Madonna keeps on rocking because “A good girl gone wild.”

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7.     Give Me All You Luvin’

A sarcastic song with some kind of justified arrogance. All the nowadays singers copy Madonna’s image of 90th and try to make sure that this is an actually new art. Madonna knows exactly how to make a whole world on a dance floor.

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8.     Masterpiece

This is dong is full of metaphors and good expressions. To my mind, it’s the best and most talented Madonna’s song. It is about being in love with a really great person. About how difficult love between two people may be. According to the song, love is like “masterpiece”, like “tiny particles of light”, but “it hurts so much to be in love with a masterpiece”, ‘cause “It can’t be fun to always be the chosen one.” Madge is so right singing “Nothing’s indestructible”, because “The “look but please don’t touch me” type” can’t be next to you, that’s why it hurts. But this song is like Vicodin for a tired soul, which pours a honey on it and heals the pain.

I’d give 5 from 5 to it. I would also compare it with a very light summer wind in a sakura garden.  

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As for SOME GIRLS, SUPERSTAR, TURN UP THE RADIO I can only admit that these songs the “weak pop spots” of the album. Only to Some Girls I would put 3 from 5, the other ones get only 2 from me.

But as for the album, it doesn’t have a brightly expressed conception. Indeed Madonna’s albums never have one. That means she is free in her music. As far as I have understood, it is mostly about some kind of reborn, ending up with old stuff and meeting the new experiences.  My оценка to this album is 4 from 5. This is a really great work, it is a good step after screwed up “Hard Candy”, it is bright, it is pop, it is Madonna. But what dissatisfied me is that Madge is swimming a fashion stream. Dubstep, club, electron beats make this album be an ordinary thing for the USA. Nothing new is shown. But anyway this is a good example for younger generation. Madonna keeps being the queen, creating music, making videos. We all are MDNA addicted.

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