1 gloomy birthday 6

Something strange, non-understandable but that’s how I roll

I can’t believe it’s true! I am 16, I am a high school senior, I got a passport. It seems to me that all these 16 years I was waiting for something huge. Let’s be honest. All of us think that we are something outstanding, something that is in the sky, far away from such crap as money, commitment, society or words of people we don’t know and will never meet.
My life is always about something fatal. Like death, getting a brand new family which I hate, having almost only girls as friends, meeting the femme fatale who changed my life forever, falling in love, knowing how it hurts and finally making a brave face because you never want to show how much you are scared about the future.

There are two worlds in me: the valley of death and the statue of liberty. The first tries to make me die, the second one is the fire that is burning in my heart and eyes. The cruel world tries to bring me down and drag me into the abyss of death. I have to run. I have to fight. I have to fly. I have to crucify. I have to resurrect. I have to be brave and strong. The thing that I have never fallen down on my knees is just a miracle. But I believe in miracles.

The problem is that I still can’t understand myself. Who am I? Who am I living for? What am I living for? I don’t know what to choose. I am split into two. I want to be a journalist and a physician. But I realize it can’t be both. So what should I choose? I have only 15 days left. I don’t want to spend 10 years learning and after all discover that I don’t want to be a physician. But if I choose journalism I’m afraid to connect myself with something I don’ like. And it’s not about advice or money or career. It’s all about me. It’s all about what I love more, what kind of person I will become.

One of the worst things of my existence is that I live in Ukraine. I want to live and work in the USA, to be with my soul mate, just become happy. I don’t want to be miserable. The only way for me is to get education in the US which means entering a college. My stepfather is an idiot; my mother is too busy with her work so I have to think about my education myself. I can work hard, I don’t complain about it. But when I realize how much fucking aspects of getting this education I’ll have to face I understand that for me it is a very heavy baggage. I’m just sixteen, I am inexperienced, poor, I started thinking only some time ago so I don’t know how to keep all this under control. I hate the world religion. I hate paper they pray for. I want to be something more than that. What if paper and numbers will cut the head of my dream? This is so stupid! So fucking stupid! All these tuitions, governments, laws, immigration services, all those motherfuckers I mean racist, homophobic, angry people get me down. I have to fight with this abyss of ignorance before it devours me. It’s all or nothing, sink or swim.

I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a bit pensive. But keep my head high. I never give up. I promise to my music, to my person, to the emptiness that I will burn cities, I will fly if not then I will crawl, but I will never cut my fingers and build a coffin! I’m gonna build my Empire State Building, I’m gonna be on its top, I’m gonna find the biggest bullhorn and scream DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON!!!! by Aerosmith. No matter what way I will choose I will try… Try to do everything I am told and taught. Never forget and never leave alone. I will feel! In heart!

This piece of something, I don’t really know how to name it correctly but this is some kind of confession of guy who is so lonely that has to write all this crap because there’s no one really around to hear me and understand me. My dreams are miles away. I hope that many years will pass and I will read my article again. Smiling, laughing, because I’m not alone and everything is alright. This is the period of changing, so I believe that no matter how much we all will have to suffer we will finally see our own light at the end of the tunnel. Out of darkness.

Why I Do This

This letter is only for one person in this world. I turn to you.

Do u know why I do all this? I write to u, I tried to call u, but there was no result. I know that I can be intursive, I think u have already mentioned it. This pushed a lot of people way from me. I know it. It’s not like I am an egoist or have nothing to do. I’m just afraid of loosing u.

So afraid! I also think if I’m doing everything right, but then I try just to be myself. And I do this. I am just true to who I am. I don’t know what u did, I don’t know what u said, but if I loose u, it will be like a crucifix for me.

Do u remember “Dancer on a rope” – the first song u sent me, do u remeber our talkings, do u remeber my recordings in which I try to tell u what I think and feel, do u still remember all this? I love it) I know u love it too) That is almost the only reason why I visit this site.

I understood. U just brought me to life. In the times I lost almost all my friends, u supported me and became my friend. You told me something that changed me. All the talkings about bravery, being strong, working. U inspired me and still do this. U helped me. U talk to me. That’s why I love u! U know how, yes?)

U are very interesting for me. U and your creative work mean very much for me. There is something there I couldn’t see anywhere. Something very close to my soul. That is when Gaga wrote “Born This Way”. Almost the same. I can’t find the right reason, but it is)

Do u remeber “Together whatever happens”. These were my words. I still feel this. I have never met such person who is my soulmate and who differs from me in the same time. And in the times when I become so crazy that start writing “Is everything alright” or when I write such notes I just wanna say that u mean much to me. And our friendship means much to me) Can u understand me? Won’t u be scared?