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Never Gonna Change

12 Jul

Never Gonna Change

Do you know what pain is? All of us definitely know what it is. I’m going to write about people who know what pain is better. Of course they don’t, so I’m going to debunk this crap.

Saying “There’s nothing worser than…” has become a mainstream. Let it be because today I’d like to say: “There’s nothing worser than being addicted to a person who thinks he knows something better or feels something deeper than you do.”

Hey, people, don’t we know what pain is? Haven’t we ever felt so badly that all we wanted was to take a killing dose of drugs? Or at least just close all the doors and cry so hard being isolated? I think if you have ever met surgeons, directors, scientists or musicians you know how dealing with arrogant people feels. These people think that they can do whatever they want which can hurt us. But the hell is when we can’t stop loving these sons of a bitch, we cannot just dump them. I suppose we are just too good people.

Hey, cruel world, hey doctor House, hey Manson, hey Cameron, hey Einstein, we are the same as you. We all suffer, but our pain is hidden in the darkest corners of our souls. It is hidden under smiles, sunglasses and pillows at night. We don’t show it but it doesn’t mean that listening to your pain we can’t understand how deep feelings can be. So we sacrifice every time. Very often they can’t try for us.

The thing is that we love these arrogant morons too much, because they so awesome! But they can’t hurt us, can’t just play with our hearts. Of course people who save lives, create cinema masterpieces, become famous in the world of technologies or those rock stars, who have pain as their inspiration will find it difficult to understand ordinary people. We will never leave you but you should remember that someday you will lose a part of us. Your guilt will come back to bite you in your asses.

All I can wish to other people is to hold on and never let their madness suck the life out of you. Never worry about how they conquer Mariana Trench. This was never our world. Just be yourself and stay with people you love even when they bring you pain from time to time.

What else you should understand is that you have to learn how to rebuff to make sure there’s no halo around their heads. Also no information given was addressed to hurt anybody of my familiar and unfamiliar people or offence them. My article was created to express my anger, fear and insecure.

With all my love and support, just a simple future journalist,

Alex.

Sucker’s Dream

12 Jul

Sucker’s Dream

Six simple letters…

Once all that I had was on the floor. God only knew what I was fighting for. Who are we without principles and beliefs? Just animals crawling on the ground. Who are we when we are being made do something? Just gutless animals crawling on the ground. Who are we when all we know is rudeness and evil? Just pissed-off animals crawling on the ground that are going to meet nothing significant but eternity. We only need six simple letters.

Power. Her power and inside strength are uncountable. This is a powerful discharge reeved through us from heels to the tips of hair. It’s when all you can is to make a sip of air and cannot scream. This is when fibrillation is healed by defibrillator. This is a huge wave to cover the whole of your body and for a while there’s no way you can breathe. In the moment of death you find out that this is only the beginning and oxygen is not the only thing your lungs can breathe.

Art. The combination of arrogance and understanding how shitty things happen to be, the combination of a firm self-confidence and hard work, literature and wisdom. She is a goddess emitting piercing light and power. Her trident is the weapon of love, pain, anger, mystery, understanding, inseparability of good and evil. This is what perfection is. This is what art is. Nothing’s indestructible. Art is eternal. As soon as it touches anything living or dead; existing or not it turns things into its own core. Art is never material, it can never be seen which means its nature can’t be destroyed or counted.

Vaccine. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You never know what can happen or be said. What do I need? I need development, I need to grow up, make the world around beautiful and lots of things more. You can never be sure in having support from the side of society. What if you could get wine from your monitor? Impossible. What if you could get just extremely big support from your monitor? Such kind of support so you can say that in the times when no one believes in you she will. If anyone could know how grateful I am and how big my desire to burn all bridges and just pace to the times when my touch will bring happiness and make ugly things beautiful again is.

Abuse. Have you ever had that one who will abuse you and you’ll be on the edge of happiness? If not it means you have never tried driving crazy drugs. Just imagine having Amber who will move her ass and let you lie next to her on a door in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. But then you’ll have to die to pay for it.

Truth. This is naked truth, never hidden by hypocrisy. The truth everyone covets and deserves. It is bitter, it is cold, sometimes harsh, sometimes just completely on the contrary. It will either destroy you or save you from yourself. It heals, it hurts, it leaves holes on your soul someday.  The pain never goes away, it can just lessen or turn into something else. What are lies? It is a latent sickness, when you temporary feel OK but after all it will devour you from inside. It isn’t worth living in fear and lies. This is always the end of the beginning of self-destruction.

Inspiration. Art needs inspiration. How would you like to be an inspiration for inspiration? This is something impossible. It’s like saying that inspiring is inspiring. OK, I think I should leave this. All I want to say is every time I feel inspiration, it feels like pain in my throat, in my stomach which is going to turn me into pink dust. Do you know what pink dust is? It is said by sappers when a person is exploded. The explosion is so powerful that you can barely find a finger. I will die and resurrect for it. But the truth is that I don’t want to die and I don’t want to live, I just want to have a chance to be with IT. This is my vicodin. This is what makes the fire in my heart keep on leaking me from inside with its incandescent tongues.

I could write something like a 21-page analyze of “American Tragedy” speaking about metaphors, trails and so on, but I just want to express my special love. Every sucker needs six letters, but only some of them one day stop being suckers.

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I’ll be your lover, I’ll be forever (inspired by “The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer”)

14 Jun

It has always been interesting to dig in someone else’s head. You can IMAGINE different situations, not yours, feel someone ELSE’S pain, not yours, and finally get your own OPINION to situations you may read about. Let’s face it: feeling the pain of other person is more pleasant than feeling yours one. That is one of the reasons why we read books.

Recently I have read “The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer”. I have to say that this is a great book. It is well-written, interesting and some kind of unusual.

The story is about a little a girl in a cute dress in the best society. After that a reader faces the secret of Laura. This secret is her enemy. This is BOB. During reading the story you have to realize who is BOB and if he is real or not.

As to the content BOB is someone who abused Laura, humiliated her and from my point of view screwed up her mental state.

Who she became?

To answer this question we should find the answer for this question:

Who she was?

She was just a girl, who had just started her “life search” with innocent thoughts and actions. This can be said about her experience with boys in the wood. Just naked bodies, but no sex.

But she changed. BOB changed her. She became a drug addicted, sex addicted confused girl. She thought she was a bad person, dirty, stupid girl who deserves to die. I suppose she was controlled by constant fear of meeting BOB.

Laura Palmer became just nothing. She was a depth of lies, drugs, sex and criminal. She understood that life is all about being happy, really happy, but I bet Laura couldn’t find happiness in things which were appropriate for a whore.

The level of happiness was again controlled by fear. She didn’t know if she was allowed to have beautiful, innocent feelings and thoughts (like love). She knew that BOB would never allow this.

How could Laura stay in the place where the walls expressed beauty and innocence? She couldn’t, didn’t deserve it. She understood that her soul becomes having more and more holes, she was dying.

I can also analyze the character from another side. She split into two branches, one of which has dark beginning and the other one conceals the girl, who just wanted to be like others and happy. These parts of Laura’s soul were always in struggle. The second, “beautiful” part of Lora Palmer always tried to reach for light like branches of a tree reach for sun. It showed itself in communication with little Johnny, who was pure and innocent, he was her absolute opposite. Anyway she was afraid to touch something so perfect, she was too depraved. We can also see her kindness in helping old people. But every time she touched the beauty something violent was coming again. The cracks in her soul were too real.

It is necessary to mention about Laura’s pony. Once it was happy with its family, which I mean Laura, but then something happened and this pony had to be alone and struggle. Finally it was shot in the head. It does remind me someone else. I think this is a symbol of what happened to Lora.

Self-destruction always leads to emptiness, so called death. Perceive it as a metaphor or not but in the end there is nothing but emptiness and infinity. Laura died.

To understand why Lora died we need to understand why people drink. To seem cool? – No. For taste? – Hardly. To stay funny? – Doesn’t fit. To relieve pain? – Closer. Laura Palmer being a teenager felt so much pain and fear that sex and cocaine work like vicodin to a person with chronic aches in leg. But finally it didn’t work. The process could never be stopped and was accompanied by different symbols like the killed cat of a little girl or dreams where she violently died, or something like paranoid ideas, again dreams with black sky and even sex became the act of revenge. Everything she touched dried and died. To forget, to survive, to live one more day, to relieve pain, but just not to die.  That is what Laura had in her had. Sex and drugs brought her satisfaction as her dying world couldn’t get closer to something less primitive.

So who is BOB? Is it the part of Laura, her core, her mind or is this a real person who abused and scared the young girl time after time? Both. The part of fear and BOB’s impact on her became her core, where she became numb. This is the reason why Laura couldn’t hold resistance to him, couldn’t give up drugs and change. From the other side BOB was just a maniacal ass whose hobby was to abuse a young girl and make her think she was mad. Who knows how the situation would have turned out if BOB had been just a normal guy.

I sincerely feel sorry for Lora and hope that this always misunderstood girl found her eternal peace.

This is how I understood the secret of Laura’s diary. The best part of the book is that the reader is to decide. To decide who BOB was, why her world was destroyed and by whom. So there is no wrong conclusion. The worst part of the book is that you may find yourself in Lora’s first thoughts and actions, because they were always true and naked. This is about what we are afraid to confess even ourselves.

“Weep” by Reamonn

She turns she burns she feels concealed by

someone that she doesn’t know

She hopes someday he’ll find his way into
these tears that she weeps
She knows she gave she feels enslaved by
what she gave too easily

She hopes in time she waits in line for all
these things that will make her
real

I feel that she woke up feel she’s had
enough

Feel it’s time she opened up her eyes
I feel that she woke up feel she’s had
enough

Feel it’s time she opened up her eyes

She holds the cold she feels so fooled by
all this pain she has revealed

She hopes she cries she holds inside all
these things that will make her real

She screams put your hands on me
Put your hands on me put your hands on
I need to feel you touch
Put your hands on me put your hands on
I need to feel you touch

I feel she’s got to open up her eyes

Put your hands on me

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P.S. Not accepting eternity I’m lying to myself again just NOT to close my eyes and never wake up. With this note I’m finishing my article, dedicated not only to Laura Palmer and my thoughts, but to that one, whose soul name will stand out in all its beauty on my body. All comes with years. With years and to eternity.

The problem of greed for power and enrichment in the interpretation of Emile Zola

29 Apr

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All parents screw up their children.

House M.D

Emile Zola wanted to unite both physiological and social aspects in order to reveal the history of the society. So the task of the “La Fortune des Rougon” was to study the question of heredity and environment following the example of one family. Zola believed in the obligatory heredity, which “has its own laws” but he also took into consideration the fate.

The founder of the Rougon-Macquarts was Adelaide Fouque. During her life she had two husbands, which she had children of. They passed their features of character on their children, who became their images. It’s well-known that copies always differ from the original.

Neither Adelaide, nor Macquart, nor Rougon had time to spend for their children, so they were raised themselves. So the parents corrupted their children. Antoine, Pierre and Ursule also passed their features of character on their children.

“The typical features of Rougon-Macquarts, the group, the family I’m going to study were irrepressible longings, our restless time, which aspire to pleasures of the life.” – Emile Zola.

The whole family, all generations were longing to an easy way of enrichment and couldn’t agree to less. All of them were corrupted by heredity and bringing up. They weren’t interested what the world would look like, they weren’t interested in any kinds of philosophy either, they were ready the follow the way, which would lead to material goods.

Time has changed. Nowadays world views differ from the ones during the Second Empire. Those days it was typical to be crazy about money, as for today such people are said to be weird, negative. To prove the truth of the idea about children corrupted by parents I’d like to bring the example of Pascal, the son of Pierre, who was the eldest son of Adelaide. He liked science, he didn’t need money, he studied people’s physiology. That was the reason why he was thought to be weird. But now we bow to such people, glorify them. So Pascal was corrupted by not being corrupted. He got his own point of view, independent from the society. Probably the character of Pascal was the symbol of the possibility of a still remediable situation, that there could be people who didn’t touch the “Golden Fever” of Rougon-Macquarts.

Adelaide understood who were their children, who she was in the times when she lost everything. The children left here alone in an old house so she could take a stock of the satiation from her own side. Adelaide realized she had given birth to creatures not better than wolfs.

E. Zola interprets the greed for power and enrichment as a biological process “adjusted” by people. And it has its own laws. Well, the writer was a symbolist, it is well-known. But to my mind he examined this problem in a too narrow way. Motives aren’t meaningful. Only the result is meaningful. It means, again according to my point of view, that heredity means nothing; it doesn’t matter why they were willing to catch an easy gain, and the only important thing here is what they reached. Personally I respect the family of Rougon-Macquarts in sense of the fact that they were fighting for what they believed in. And they won.

Of course it is not right to divide the world into “good and bad”. Good and evil are always together. However everybody has its own opinion. I don’t think we have a right to judge any person for its lifestyle. Yes, I agree that money is quite important in our life, but there is no way it can become the main life purpose. If to regard our life as art, I can cite Sandra Starukaite who said “Where money begins, there art ends up”. People are programmed to search for the easiest ways of solving the problem. So would it be objective to judge the family of Rougon-Macquarts for the appropriated with nature activity? As Emile Zolasaid, “you can’t fight the nature.

So it means his work was just to depict the epoch, taking into consideration his point of view. No matter how much the author wanted to avoid “appreciating what he depicts” he didn’t manage, ‘cause we can see the opinion of the writer for money.

This problem is senseless, ‘cause money has always influenced people. It’s not necessary to write a novel just to say how ugly and crippled the world is being healthy physically. The question of willing an easy gain is controversial. Of course it is so grim when money influence who we are. But people will either realize it, or not.