Archive | Uncategorized RSS feed for this section

Le-me-be!

26 Feb

I wanna be uncool!

                                       Courtney Love

 

“Courtney Love – Uncool” 

I was impressed by this song. I am not sure I have a brilliant understanding of the meaning of it, but its conception impressed me and inspired me, shortly made my brain flood with thoughts.

My company’s so cheap

I don’t mean to be haughty or too clever or too adult or too immodest or too self-confident. I mean to be myself. I find a lot of people idiotic. Now I’m having such a period when the voices of different people freak me out even more than the “art” of Nicki Minaj. Tonight my costume is a strong wind and I blow away every time I see something that is not interesting for me. Sometimes I hurt people by it, I hurt myself, I move away from people, dooming myself to be alone. But I can take it. There is nothing more terrifying for me than lying to myself again and again and in the same time limiting me freedom. I don’t need those friends talking behind my back, those teachers who want to share their “life experience” and judging if you think it is not for you. They don’t know the way I am, don’t know my path, they haven’t reached anything really great. It takes me down so much. I’m not gonna say that I am the cleverest here or the best or that I can do everything, I can’t! I always say to myself “Don’t relax, idiot, you have to fight and fight”. I have to learn lots of things, but now I’m trying to follow my heart. Because I don’t need those lessons someone else learned. Those people. Good God! They are so stupid! They are in the cage on the bottom of the ocean, they locked themselves there, put imaginary shark-guards outside and keep on being there, having a key in their hands. Do you remember those shark-guards are imaginary? They complain they are tired of their life. They have to do things they don’t wanna do, bringing the mood of others down. GET YOUR ASS UP AND UNLOCK THE CAGE! THERE ARE NO SHARKS THERE! Isn’t such a life empty? After all you can swim wherever you want…
 I don’t need your respect or your friendship, I don’t want you to be nice with me. I don’t. I appreciate people who are near me. They understand that this is the way I am. They say I am a weird one in a good sense. I like it.

 And all my grief keeps multipying and I pretend to feel no pain.    

    What can I say? You may say “Poor little boy. He doesn’t know the real life, so why is he complaining?” I can say that I suffer every day. You may answer “Are you too grown up? Too clever? Oh Alex! You are just a kid!”. You may be right, but in the times I become an ass and seem to be like those words, I just try to stay strong. I feel like in prison. I can’t do the thing I wanna do, I have to be surrounded by clinic idiots, who I hate. So please, don’t judge me, ‘cause you never know what might happen to a person. You may say I am so into the future. But I can’t breathe in the present. I am a “future guy”, but still I try to be bound to now, because I love my life with all its freaks.  

My stepfather’s words: “This is your holy duty!”


This phrase blew my mind out! Seriously? Must I read these 300 pages of school bulshit? Is it my duty? To whom am I obliged? To those hypocritical people at school? Maybe for you? Or for our minister of education, who firstly started the auto examinations which helped clever people from poor families to enter a prestigious university and then that minister started entering exams again, which will bring boys and girls with rich daddies enter a university not because of knowledge, but because of a heavy purse! Where is the truth? So whom am I obliged to all this? To whom? God! How can we do anything for people who steal our money, who bring us lower than other people? So shut your fucking mouth up and understand that we mustn’t do anything for them! And don’t you dare to give me any instructions about my “holy duties”! This is my life and I won’t allow this disrespect!
But anyway he answered: «There are a lot of things I have to do at work, which I don’t like to do.” So what does it mean? That I should be like a zombie-prisoner? It’s like standing on the edge of nowhere. You don’t jump just because they say you are still “obliged”. So for what to study at school, doing the things you hate, just to be at a new place where you will have to do the same? Like my dad? NO WAY! I don’t need your money, I don’t need your Power Plants and army, I don’t need your slavery. I just wanna enjoy the thing I like to do. That’s all. I will better be nobody being someone (I mean I will stand on my own, living my own independent life) than being somebody with those $375 but with a hole in my sole.  
People! I pray for you! For those who can find a gun of bravery and shout all these dogs who are trying to bite you in your ass down. I take my imaginary hat off for you! And wish you 2 main things: to stay strong and be healthy for it.

              Am I gonna lose?

Oh please! What to lose? You know you can do anything when you have nothing left to lose. Follow your dream no matter what! They are just a crowd! Let these words stay in your mind! They will never understand if you say you are not going to pass any exams like others do or if you say you are about to leave your uni! Just watch them all being shocked with an artless smile on your face. I am with you watching them all be burned.

I WANNA BE UNCOOL!

Yeah baby! You think I am uncool! Ok! I am. And I happy! I will keep on playing my Russian roulette peeing when winning and sewing all the holes in my head up, because I am not afraid of being uncool. I will leave this town with a rock show, telling to all the haters or other dirt which can stick to my shoes. I am not gonna have less. I don’t know if I deserve all these above, but I believe that I do. I am not perfect. Please, don’t like me, try to stop me, but you should know that when a bear tries to find some food he will kill you to put you in his mouth.
But remember: Mona Lisa is so small, but a masterpiece, you know?

LET   –   ME  –   BE   –   UNCOOL

 

The perfect world… but unreal.

25 Feb

I hate the reality. I hate all this. The reality means being measured. That’s why I have to create my own world. The only imperfection of it is its perfection. Perfection means being unhappy all the time. Because this is impossible.

I’m am a human being. This is what I understood after lots of hours of digging myself. This means I’m am an artist. I have to create my life. This is not the truth. This is all lies. Did I tell telling lies is so bad?

When there is nothing good, you have to create it. This is what I know. To create something good  you have to create your own world. The real world sucks. People die, people are killed by people. A lot of people wish u sucked. So you are to be alone. To stay with your thoughts and try to imagine a little island, where you will feel ok. This is what I did. This is a place where I have some of my closest friends, a $20.000.000 flat in the centre of NYC. Fame. This is unreal. Yet. When I reach it, I’ll try to convince myself that this is what I wanted. This is what I reached! This is great! But this is not. You lie again and again. There is no perfect world! You have to fight and fight again for your rights, for being a personality. This is hard. This brings you down sometimes. So why not to lie yourself? Why not to imagine this is all the truth.

To live. This is the only principle I have. I imagine that I’ll always be alive. So I have to do a lot of things. This helps to believe that all your great plans for future and present will come true. This helps to believe in your power.

 I can’t undersrand this pathetic world. These celebrities doing all this dirty stuff just to promote themselves. More, more, more money. This is what they need.

I adore this unreal world. Here a singer will sing just to express her thoughts, just to sing. Just to follow her dream.

Almost no one can understnad this world. People are surprised by it. In the bad sense. They are idiots. Is there anything good here? This stupid world makes her be miles away from me. No, I don’t want to fuck her, I don’t want her to do something for me. I just want her to exist. That’s why it hurts so much to know that Mona Lisa exists. Did u know she is small?

And right now I promise to the darkness of this room, I promise to u, fucking queen, if u are reading all this you should know that all the symbolism from above is left behind. I promise to make my world as perfect as I can. Do u know that we will never stop ? We will never  be really happy ’cause we’ll always try more and more. More and more. Until we die. Isn’t it happiness?