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My hang out (Let’s drink a bunch of wine!)

1 Jul

Attention! This woman is still Angelina Jolie yet. ImageImage

The best guy in the world) 

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Such a beautiful woman) Love you, Marilyn))

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The most beautiful woman in the world.

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Such a talented actress!Image

Oh, Courteney Cox!) You are great, I love you. You are the best comedian actress, thank you!Image

Iron Maggie) One of the strongest women on earth. ImageImage

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He is a great actor. I’m sure he is said to be the hope of modern cinema. Of course if he avoids dumb movies and chasing fame. Image

Jack) No words)))))Image

I respect this guy so much! He’s really great. Image

He is too talented and charismatic to stay Sherlock for ever. Although he is the best Sherlock ever. ImageImage

Such a beautiful woman, such a great actress, so deep british speech… Love you Kate, thank you so much!

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The gifted one.

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Such a great man) Thanks, Matthew, really! For Chandler Bing, for Friends! What a bright comedian actor. But the one who is the actor of one part… So sorry.

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Genious.ImageImage

Thanks for House M.D. So much! My ovations!Image

The Queen)Image

There is no woman in the world who I could love so much! You are so talented, so beautiful, so dear! Thank you Courtney, thank you so much! Love you so much!

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A don’t-care type of guy

7 Apr
I so don’t care.
I’m done with this entire round-shaped world.
The only “entire” thing left in me is the bottle of red wine.
I don’t wanna think.
I wanna thank. That this moment came.
Finally came to purify me and take some silliness away.
I don’t care about school; I don’t care about what a teacher will put me tomorrow, don’t care how big the prison of stupid tasks and work will be. I so don’t care how much I will sleep and eat. I feel nothing for almost all the people, for almost all the events. I don’t listen to what they say, I don’t feel how they try to hurt me.
I let all the feelings go. I’m empty like that entire bottle of wine. All I see is pure white. The endless infinity of white world.
I’m not scared of the future. I don’t care what I will have to do.  I’ve got everything I need. I’ve got the sense to live and my person. I’m completely indifferent what steps I will have to make to reach, I will do. I’m not afraid. Even if I don’t enter a university I will stay calm because I know that everything happens for a reason. I will take any chance to grow up and develop myself. When I let my fear go I realized that I’m able to think clearly, act naturally and understand things. While I stay calm I can go on, go up and never down.
I’m not overwhelmed. I stopped worrying about my mental problems, about my core and my… unperceived, unconditional, uncontrolled and purely natural choice.
I let my anger go. I forgave all people that ever hurt me; I forget all the bad things. Eventually the chaos in my head started turning into a slightly seen bunch of shelves. Unless this is not the impassable, inexplicable and interfering with my work eternal chaos.
I built a wal l. Made of glass. Nobody and nothing can get through it. If they can’t break the wall they can’t get me and fill with their stupidity and misery. They won’t distract me and show the wrong way.
This is my golden time to work and develop in order to become the spirit. This is only for two people in the whole world now.
I don’t care about the world I know. I mean the law, absurd, routine, boring and absoulutely hypocritical part of the World.

“If the world is so wrong then you can FUCK them all with one song!” yeah?

 

I’ll create a new world. THE ONE, my own.
Some will come, something will be gone.
Art and love are those things having sense, the first will go through time, the second one will watch me burn.
I’ll still dream on!
I will never come undone.

Amy Winehouse

8 Jan

This is not dedicated to her death or birthday anniversary. It’s about Amy’s art.

She was always laughed at. Paparazzi did their job well taking pictures of her drunk or “ridiculus”. But  the moment she died was the upgrade of her career. The minute ago she was the dirt, the next moment “Back To Black” is on the top of Billbord and her creative work is risen up to the skies.

Amy was a gifted girl. She has opened the sacred secret of love and feelings.

Her songs reflect pain, sorrow, not sadness, grief, tears and … humility. She wasn’t protesting, didn’t maked a big show of “words-and-no-deeds”. She sang soul songs. Painful, profound and inconsolable songs.

When I plunge her songs I fell that she loved and failed, loved so much she died. Amy burned black, died for love in all ways, ispecially physically. They said she needed rehab, drugs killed her. Of course journalists are good at overplaying and telling lies. They will raze to the ground anyone to get a great blatant story.

“Love is loosing game”. She wished she had never played this game. Life is a loosing game, Amy, yes? We all are seeking the raison d’etre even in semirandom events. We all can’t admit that we’ll die and will never care again about anything. There is nothing there. What a wonder to find your love and stop seeking because you already know the answer. How great and priceless it is. How painfully it hits.

Amy Winehouse failed. Like all of us will do. Some people will call this “the path of least resistance”. But he walked away and never came back. The grief and pain she had to face. So much was cried out and written out.

And those people and mass media. Their “Rehabilitaion”. She didn’t care. Didn’t want to go there. Because she already knew the end.

Amy Winehouse burned to ashes, she knew everything and was ready. Why suffer, why wake up alone, why suffer?

Some of us will see a crazy addict bitch, some of us wil see a girl who was killed by love.

And one more thing that irritates. 27 years old, alcohol, drugs, music, death… This is the classic Rock’n’Roll story. How much money those madmen got. But they don’t see the tragedy. This  cynicism afficts so much. Those morons trivialize music and art.

“They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no! I ain’t got the time”. Don’t go.

Do you yearn? Because I do.

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New York me, please! Just do it!

5 Jan

2012 was a super shitty year. It was a killing-dreams-sucking-the-life-out-harsh-and-disappointing year. Life is always unfair, it brings down. Unsolved problems and unfulfilled dreams bring down. But when a new year comes we try to forget and forgive. Forget all the problems because people prone to be fed with the hope even when the fridge is empty. Forgive people and ourselves because there is no point in cherishing hatred. Even those who have a broken bottle of wine instead of a heart secretly believe in love. New Year is the summing up of all we’ve done and felt during one year. Everybody believes in what I have just written. You know why? Because we think that the next year is the next chance. One more trial, one more step and attempt and maybe our dreams will come true. Everybody is miserable, some people realized it and some of them still stay in a dark room waiting for a guiding light. Those are happy who become blind after they spend 100 years in a dark room.

As for me I have realized everything. But please don’t judge me just for dreaming.

My answer is always New York. This is the “boiling point”, “the reference point”. The place where a life begins.

Is there anything more beautiful than Times Square during New Year’s Eve or Monica Bellucci? Let’s talk about the Big Apple.

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I watched the video in YouTube. That was the biggest shake of the New Year. Can you imagine? Times Square, New York City, 1 million people around counting out 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and HAPPHY NEW YEAR! The small plaza exploded with fireworks, confetti, shouts, hugs, kisses, flashes, smiles and tears! Oh I was suffering! Goosebumps could have devoured me! This video fucking tore me apart.

Now some words about how I spent the New Year Eve.

I stayed at my place, ate food and watched House M.D. That is exactly what I did the year before. It is even symbolic. With elements of pathetics and irony. If to look back on my life one can see it is a big ironic ass kick.

Why at home? You know rock stars never have friends, never ever, yeh?

I am the one who rewies different movies or series for many times. House is my favorite one. Maybe I just wanted to meet a New Year with someone I love…

I also admit that I was depressed for some period of time, the fact that I’m writing means I’m done with rehabilitation. I’m pure, virgin pure. It’s time to look for the cure!

The cure is the black and white Rock’n’Roll – the quintessence of everything. This is not about 30 Seconds to Mars, Marilyn Manson or other cheap shit. Enough!

Now I wanna show my “Inspirational Letter”. It is to help me keep on moving and breathe. This is just placebo but never mind.

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Charging… Clear! He’s back. The cockroach’s back!

He knows that one day he will be there, no matter what way, doen’t matter what number, being one of the million is even better because nobody cared about psy and other “stars” who were stupidly standing in the “special star place”. Fuck them, fuck their gangnam style, all the shit is in sewage.

1 gloomy birthday 6

17 Aug

Something strange, non-understandable but that’s how I roll

I can’t believe it’s true! I am 16, I am a high school senior, I got a passport. It seems to me that all these 16 years I was waiting for something huge. Let’s be honest. All of us think that we are something outstanding, something that is in the sky, far away from such crap as money, commitment, society or words of people we don’t know and will never meet.
My life is always about something fatal. Like death, getting a brand new family which I hate, having almost only girls as friends, meeting the femme fatale who changed my life forever, falling in love, knowing how it hurts and finally making a brave face because you never want to show how much you are scared about the future.

There are two worlds in me: the valley of death and the statue of liberty. The first tries to make me die, the second one is the fire that is burning in my heart and eyes. The cruel world tries to bring me down and drag me into the abyss of death. I have to run. I have to fight. I have to fly. I have to crucify. I have to resurrect. I have to be brave and strong. The thing that I have never fallen down on my knees is just a miracle. But I believe in miracles.

The problem is that I still can’t understand myself. Who am I? Who am I living for? What am I living for? I don’t know what to choose. I am split into two. I want to be a journalist and a physician. But I realize it can’t be both. So what should I choose? I have only 15 days left. I don’t want to spend 10 years learning and after all discover that I don’t want to be a physician. But if I choose journalism I’m afraid to connect myself with something I don’ like. And it’s not about advice or money or career. It’s all about me. It’s all about what I love more, what kind of person I will become.

One of the worst things of my existence is that I live in Ukraine. I want to live and work in the USA, to be with my soul mate, just become happy. I don’t want to be miserable. The only way for me is to get education in the US which means entering a college. My stepfather is an idiot; my mother is too busy with her work so I have to think about my education myself. I can work hard, I don’t complain about it. But when I realize how much fucking aspects of getting this education I’ll have to face I understand that for me it is a very heavy baggage. I’m just sixteen, I am inexperienced, poor, I started thinking only some time ago so I don’t know how to keep all this under control. I hate the world religion. I hate paper they pray for. I want to be something more than that. What if paper and numbers will cut the head of my dream? This is so stupid! So fucking stupid! All these tuitions, governments, laws, immigration services, all those motherfuckers I mean racist, homophobic, angry people get me down. I have to fight with this abyss of ignorance before it devours me. It’s all or nothing, sink or swim.

I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a bit pensive. But keep my head high. I never give up. I promise to my music, to my person, to the emptiness that I will burn cities, I will fly if not then I will crawl, but I will never cut my fingers and build a coffin! I’m gonna build my Empire State Building, I’m gonna be on its top, I’m gonna find the biggest bullhorn and scream DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON DREAM ON!!!! by Aerosmith. No matter what way I will choose I will try… Try to do everything I am told and taught. Never forget and never leave alone. I will feel! In heart!

This piece of something, I don’t really know how to name it correctly but this is some kind of confession of guy who is so lonely that has to write all this crap because there’s no one really around to hear me and understand me. My dreams are miles away. I hope that many years will pass and I will read my article again. Smiling, laughing, because I’m not alone and everything is alright. This is the period of changing, so I believe that no matter how much we all will have to suffer we will finally see our own light at the end of the tunnel. Out of darkness.

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Love

12 Jul

Love

I said I’d never write about love. But I couldn’t help. I want to write about how painful loving the one who will never be with you is.

All of us know the feeling when there’s something wambling and wambling in your stomach. It’s like rolling from a 400 feet hill down when your suprarenal glands release adrenaline and all you can is to soundlessly scream inside and barely breath.

So the grimmest things are: the fact that you can’t say how much you love the person and that in some days you’ll have to leave and will never see this person again…

Memories:

I won’t tell the name of my love, I will just call it “this person” or “it”. It will be less painful for me. From the moment I first saw this person I could never think I would fall in love with it. It only proves that love doesn’t know any special canons or prejudices. It proves there is no perfect personality for me. The only I can say about this person is that it is married, in its twentieth, has a child and is not a person of an extraordinary appearance. But this person is clever, witty, wise, interesting, has a great sense of humor and is charming. Just in few hours I realized that I need this person around to help me keep on breathing. I spent almost all my days just being in one room and listening to Courtney Love, Placebo, Marilyn Manson, Amy Winehouse, Evanesence and Madonna waiting for the time I could see my person again. When it was around I was some kind like drunk, like in euphoria, but when my love was not around there was a clod in my throat and I felt pain in my throat and stomach. I should also mention that the place I met this person was in one city in Russia, where I came for 10 days to see my relatives. I have also to mention that the person I fell in love with is not my relative but lived in the neighboring flat and visited the place I lived often. With each passing day I realized I would have to leave for Ukraine soon. So my grief was multiplying. In some moments it hurt more than always. For example when I saw its child and saw that they had the same crystal blue eyes. Or when this person was sitting next to me and watching some stuff on my notebook and then I went to another room to have a mean and when I came back I could still feel the smell of my its body. Or when I was just walking somewhere and could feel the smell of its car. Or when I had to watch my person’s wedding video, where this person is happy not with me, where it promise to love someone else forever and you have to seem to be smiling, to be happy for them. This was just unbearable. Knowing I will never have a chance to hear those Russian notes in voice that accentuate all vowel sounds…  But anyway in the city where there are no friends of mine this person became some kind of my friend, supporting life in me. After all the doom day of coming back home was about to hug me hard. There are no words to describe how painful and… how painful it was. But I had to face it. I had to be strong all the time. Nobody had the right to see my soul, to understand my condition. I think that time is the best healer so I need some time for recovery. I came back home scary and broken.

How does it feel when your love is the biggest secret you ever happened to have. How does it feel when the person you love is your biggest fear? This is the secret you cannot even discuss with your mind. This secret makes you forget about all principles like being yourself and telling the truth. So you don’t know who you are anymore. This is the moment you realize you are being changed. Yes, people do change. Of course this is completely not about telling the truth to the person you love.

In such moment you understand that no one is going to get you, but this is my guilt only. So you make a brave face put on a smile and try to forget that no fucking philosophers’, psychologists’ and friends’ advice will even slightly come to the point of helping you. The best anyone can do is to give you a good friend hug. And the only thing to help is tequila or red wine.

Being ready is being sure in the place and in the person you are going to share your pain or anything else with. So I’m not ready and won’t be ready for a long time more.

03.07.2012

14:54

Russia

“Memories”:

11.07.2012

18:18

Somewhere in Ukraine

Marilyn Manson, Lady Gaga – Born To Die

12 May

Why not to die to be born instead of being born to die?

Nature is the most powerful display of birth, death and life. It is called to be the mother of all the existing things. Why not to imagine it to be art? When an oak-tree is born, it is little of course, but then it grows up, develops, it becomes stronger and it becomes obvious that this is a great tree, not a bush. Sometimes it takes much time to complete the process become a huge oak-tree, which has its own place on the ground, which branches contemplate on the sky proudly and as confident as never. Seeing all this power you can’t help enjoying the work of nature, which is tremendous and priceless. From the moment you slightly touch it you discover a new world of fantasies and realities, of different paths and different worlds. Nothing’s impossible, no prejudices, but boundless freedom. Your tiny world becomes too huge to believe it’s real. You try to understand. Yes, it’s almost the point of total understanding and realizing the unseen before, something extraordinary. Is there any other way? No way! It explains everything, it bids your blood to run, you almost understood all the processes of nature! Almost…But suddenly the huge power turns away and shows the other side. This path will definitely lead to feelings that must spread your wings, you’ll be able to fly away. But the path is still unknown. What way should I choose? Should I fight or give up? Should I get down on my knees and pray or be an atheistic jerk? I’ll touch the great power again, there is the answer there! But something happened to your oak-tree. Why don’t you feel anything? Where did it go? Is it me to blame? Or maybe something just has happened to the tree? I can’t handle this. I am something more profound! But the birth of evil outdoor irritants curbed the bliss. The root is bleeding – the tiny particles of light which are only a parody of the late power. It is nothing. Your kidneys brought all the remained drugs out. It is dead.

No more metaphors. Hey Marilyn, where are you now? What has happened to you, the king of teenagers? Can’t believe it may happen to be a golden halo of those woodcutters. You are not so primitive.

So let’s try to make the things that don’t have sense become meaningful.  

Who is or was Marilyn Manson? It is a combination of beauty and ugliness. It is what art means, to my mind. His epatage was not a trick to earn more money or a trial to win New-York’s heart. It was a huge challenge to the society. He had a really complicated message. But most of all by conscious making himself  ugly he wanted to say that inside America looks as well as he is outside, I mean face, some other features. He hated the institution of church, he didn’t want to be a slave. He understood a lot of different serious things. He was rude and confident. He wasn’t afraid of going revolutionary road after all the shit he had to pull through. By his powerful voice and extraordinary expressive appearance he screamed overstraining his throat that he was disagree and he had no idea what other people would think. These weren’t any loud speeches on an arena or plaza, where he would swing his hands trying to make people believe him. It was a thorny path of writing, performing, singing, being an artist. His creative work had always contained complicated problems and symbolism. His core was pierced by pain and fury, it always  waked up a volcano in people’s hearts. But Marilyn was not dump, he was not just an angry kid, he understood that each road of fighting, protesting and evil must (!) lead to love, kindness and peace. That’s why Marilyn Mason was a combination of black and white, that’s why he was Great and Awful, that’s why he was art. No art can be called real art without being based on love and kindness. Without it art becomes rotten and insincere. It is urine. With his rampant rush Marilyn Manson became a creature of worship and hatred from the side of admirers and haters.

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Let’s leave the symbolism and just say that he is not the same as he used to be before. Parts became sluggish and with no rousing notes of anger in his voice. Hoarseness doesn’t work. No passion, no craziness, no power. Just an ordinary VEVO star. Maybe something has happened in his life, maybe he understood something special for himself, maybe he is just tired and has no strength to keep on rocking Marilyn Manson way. Or he just can’t find the sense, art is love, so maybe he just didn’t have time to fell in love so he still remains to be a weird loner… But as he admitted the changes let’s leave him and wish good luck and be happy in life.

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Let’s turn to Lady Gaga – Mother-Monster.

To analyze her creative work we have to go back to basics, turn to her past.

She started her career with first album “Fame”. There were very nice songs there. She wanted to be a star, to look sexy and put on pop shows. She managed to do this.

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Her fame was growing with each passing day, all her dreams were about to come true. “The Fame Monster” was ready. Tremendous success, ecstatic reviews, invitations to the most famous shows in the world, numerous photo sessions, and a successful world tour were just a part of her new life. The life a woman who worked so much, who developed, who had naive dreams, but all this brought her to the place where she can realize herself the way she wants it to be.

Monster Ball Tour. She is the mother of monsters, she was the queen of her own show, she just rocked. Everything was there: good songs, performamces, well-known costumes, tears, smiles, speeches, anger and tenderness. She was sincere and inspired the crowd of fans, who put their hands up and screamed.

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Born This Way era. In 2011 the 3rd album of Lady Gaga was released. To be honest, it is really the best piece of music of 2011. The songs are very good, with good lyrics, good message. Gaga wanted it to important for people, to teach them to be who you are and believe in yourself. All this is of course very good. BUT as for me Gaga became completely dishonest, insincere and greedy for money.

Suddenly Gaga became a devoted fighter for the rights of gays. It is very good, of course, when somebody wants to protect people, but you are free to disagree with me, I think that it is very good for Gaga when those gays buy tickets to her concerts, spend their money on her. There are lots of gays nowadays and they are a great part of Lady Gaga’s monsters.

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Why did such a great album as Born This Way fail? Maybe because people got tired of it? This is not strange. The album was being sold just everywhere: in airports, in shops, in the streets. Gaga was really foisting her album on everyone’s arms. It’s been a year after Born This Way was released but still she is having her new tour. I can compare this work with a cherry chewing-gum. When you put it into your mouth it is tasty, you like it. But after a white the chewing-gum starts losing its taste and in the end becomes tasteless. The same happened to Gaga.

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Born This Way Foundation. It is ridiculous. It is obvious that this program is to bring Gaga nothing but promotion and money. Seriously? You are going to protect gay kids this way? Really? How? Are you going to land them your disco stick so they could punch evil teenagers? Dear Gaga, no more your riding-round-the-country bus, which won’t help, no more eloquent speeches, don’t you pretend to believe this is going to change something. Nobody will follow people who shout their brilliant thoughts from a big arena. Why not to shut up and try to change the world using art and your influence? Why not to be sincere with people? Ah, I have forgotten! This will cut your golden chain.

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Born This Way Ball Tour: The Monster Ball 3.0

It is true that a lot of people wanted to see your new show as you had always been good at it. But when I saw this, I’m sorry, it is pathetic and very dull. I was shocked by costumes and the stage. Lady Gaga, I think with your money spent you could have prepared something much-much-much-much better. Let’s analyze.

First of all the stage looks like a big dark spot. And why a castle? You see Lady Gaga is more and more digressing from Born This Way conception.

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I was also shocked by performances.

Let’s talk about costumes. Frankly speaking, they are ugly. She is not sexy. And I don’t like her huge tails. Sometimes she looks ridiculous and ugly.

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(This Bad Romance costume was definitely for irritating Christians, who has always compare her with the Devil.)

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Also the performances themselves were very weak and dull. For example:

“Bloody Mary” – she was just riding on the stage with this weird costume om, which is often compared with vacuum cleaner. Gaga, is that all you could create for such a great song? Even a cat and a dog would put on a better show.

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“Heavy Metal Lover” – I waited so much from this performance! Riding on a bike with your ass being smacked. Is that all? Where is your “full house of leather”, where is glitter, depravity, rousing dancing in erotic costumes? Shame on you!

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What about “You and I”? Indeed it is a very good song. One of the best ballads. But Gaga spoilt it with her water-nymphs. While she was singing it, the half of the song she just hold he hand raised up and the rest part of the song she spent on a piano-bike. Well done! Horrible!

Another performance just killed me. It is a naked stealing of a well-known Madonna’s performance from Blond Ambition Tour. Gays, sofa, pointed bra. It looks like Gaga to be project which is called “Let’s take the best from Madonna and make it appropriate for modern generation”.

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But the most horrible thing about Born This Way Ball is Gaga’s emotionless face. Look. It is stony. Where are your emotions? Where are tears, happiness, kindness and anger? Where’s fighting and love? This time you don’t bring peace and freedom, you don’t inspire! You are a Monster! An evil Monster. We can’t read your Poker Face, so it means you are just being insincere. It’s a pity. Look at her face!

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Have you ever pondered over why Gaga started her tour from Asia? Because America is awfully tired of Lady Gaga and in Asia she is something new and interesting, so she went there to make an experiment, to create something new and interesting with what she’ll be able to come to Europe and USA. This will just warm up the interest to her. So the conclusion is that Born This Way Ball is nothing but chasing money and selling “Lady Gaga” product.

Dear Lady Gaga! I am person with an immortal hope, so I hope that you’ll change. You should understand who you want to be. Stop being a product and become an artist again. But you already lost. While you are thinking and putting BTW Ball on, something strong, great and powerful is coming. This is a tornado which will crash all of you. There is no way to survive, the next big thing to bite you in your ass has written a great number of great songs. By the way, she is not interested in money and stupid charts, because she is already confident in her talent, power and sexuality.

Good luck,

Alex