Archive | February, 2012

Le-me-be!

26 Feb

I wanna be uncool!

                                       Courtney Love

 

“Courtney Love – Uncool” 

I was impressed by this song. I am not sure I have a brilliant understanding of the meaning of it, but its conception impressed me and inspired me, shortly made my brain flood with thoughts.

My company’s so cheap

I don’t mean to be haughty or too clever or too adult or too immodest or too self-confident. I mean to be myself. I find a lot of people idiotic. Now I’m having such a period when the voices of different people freak me out even more than the “art” of Nicki Minaj. Tonight my costume is a strong wind and I blow away every time I see something that is not interesting for me. Sometimes I hurt people by it, I hurt myself, I move away from people, dooming myself to be alone. But I can take it. There is nothing more terrifying for me than lying to myself again and again and in the same time limiting me freedom. I don’t need those friends talking behind my back, those teachers who want to share their “life experience” and judging if you think it is not for you. They don’t know the way I am, don’t know my path, they haven’t reached anything really great. It takes me down so much. I’m not gonna say that I am the cleverest here or the best or that I can do everything, I can’t! I always say to myself “Don’t relax, idiot, you have to fight and fight”. I have to learn lots of things, but now I’m trying to follow my heart. Because I don’t need those lessons someone else learned. Those people. Good God! They are so stupid! They are in the cage on the bottom of the ocean, they locked themselves there, put imaginary shark-guards outside and keep on being there, having a key in their hands. Do you remember those shark-guards are imaginary? They complain they are tired of their life. They have to do things they don’t wanna do, bringing the mood of others down. GET YOUR ASS UP AND UNLOCK THE CAGE! THERE ARE NO SHARKS THERE! Isn’t such a life empty? After all you can swim wherever you want…
 I don’t need your respect or your friendship, I don’t want you to be nice with me. I don’t. I appreciate people who are near me. They understand that this is the way I am. They say I am a weird one in a good sense. I like it.

 And all my grief keeps multipying and I pretend to feel no pain.    

    What can I say? You may say “Poor little boy. He doesn’t know the real life, so why is he complaining?” I can say that I suffer every day. You may answer “Are you too grown up? Too clever? Oh Alex! You are just a kid!”. You may be right, but in the times I become an ass and seem to be like those words, I just try to stay strong. I feel like in prison. I can’t do the thing I wanna do, I have to be surrounded by clinic idiots, who I hate. So please, don’t judge me, ‘cause you never know what might happen to a person. You may say I am so into the future. But I can’t breathe in the present. I am a “future guy”, but still I try to be bound to now, because I love my life with all its freaks.  

My stepfather’s words: “This is your holy duty!”


This phrase blew my mind out! Seriously? Must I read these 300 pages of school bulshit? Is it my duty? To whom am I obliged? To those hypocritical people at school? Maybe for you? Or for our minister of education, who firstly started the auto examinations which helped clever people from poor families to enter a prestigious university and then that minister started entering exams again, which will bring boys and girls with rich daddies enter a university not because of knowledge, but because of a heavy purse! Where is the truth? So whom am I obliged to all this? To whom? God! How can we do anything for people who steal our money, who bring us lower than other people? So shut your fucking mouth up and understand that we mustn’t do anything for them! And don’t you dare to give me any instructions about my “holy duties”! This is my life and I won’t allow this disrespect!
But anyway he answered: «There are a lot of things I have to do at work, which I don’t like to do.” So what does it mean? That I should be like a zombie-prisoner? It’s like standing on the edge of nowhere. You don’t jump just because they say you are still “obliged”. So for what to study at school, doing the things you hate, just to be at a new place where you will have to do the same? Like my dad? NO WAY! I don’t need your money, I don’t need your Power Plants and army, I don’t need your slavery. I just wanna enjoy the thing I like to do. That’s all. I will better be nobody being someone (I mean I will stand on my own, living my own independent life) than being somebody with those $375 but with a hole in my sole.  
People! I pray for you! For those who can find a gun of bravery and shout all these dogs who are trying to bite you in your ass down. I take my imaginary hat off for you! And wish you 2 main things: to stay strong and be healthy for it.

              Am I gonna lose?

Oh please! What to lose? You know you can do anything when you have nothing left to lose. Follow your dream no matter what! They are just a crowd! Let these words stay in your mind! They will never understand if you say you are not going to pass any exams like others do or if you say you are about to leave your uni! Just watch them all being shocked with an artless smile on your face. I am with you watching them all be burned.

I WANNA BE UNCOOL!

Yeah baby! You think I am uncool! Ok! I am. And I happy! I will keep on playing my Russian roulette peeing when winning and sewing all the holes in my head up, because I am not afraid of being uncool. I will leave this town with a rock show, telling to all the haters or other dirt which can stick to my shoes. I am not gonna have less. I don’t know if I deserve all these above, but I believe that I do. I am not perfect. Please, don’t like me, try to stop me, but you should know that when a bear tries to find some food he will kill you to put you in his mouth.
But remember: Mona Lisa is so small, but a masterpiece, you know?

LET   –   ME  –   BE   –   UNCOOL

 

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☮ Mood

26 Feb

The most important is love and kindness, ecumenical love to music, life, people and nothing can substitute it, any epatage, any cool vocals, NO-THING can.

                                                                                                            N.T

I was inspired to write this note by these words of one girld, “The Next Big Thing”.

I wanna share some of my thoughts about life. I am just 15, actually I can’t say I have a huge life experience, but this is what I think today. It doesn’t mean it can’t be right.

To start with, I’d like you to look at the world now. What do we see? We can see people running around, trying to find their happiness. Sometimes it is so pathetic and it makes me wanna puke. I mean the celebrities. All this insincerity, chasing money, power. I don’t believe this can be the sense of life. And yes. I’m am the one who will say “You are fakes” standing on the ground, burning all bridges, making you turn your brain and heart on.

Love. It runs the world. No art, no life can exist without love. Love and tears are the most artless feelings. We can’t be creative without tenderness, without loving, without tears. This is natural, so it is very beautiful. We are people. Do you really think that money can be better than watching your love standing next to you, being with one in a million, one of a kind? We should forget all the stupid principles or prejudices and open our hearts. And it doesn’t matter to what you have love. To music, to a person, to your hobby. Love is the state of your sole. It can’t be judged or even justified. This helps us not to shoot ourselves in the world where people try to say that they are the best “because they wear a pink wig”.

“Christina Aguilera – Bound to You”

Kindness. “To make peace, not war”. This all to be said about kindness. People are different, so to stay people we should just understand that, for example, these idiotic “Fan Wars” are idiotic. This is a waste of time.  

I love my life. Life is such an amazing thing! All my next words bring revolutionary meaning.

We live in a very critical society now. A lot of people find some periouds of life very difficult for this or that reason.
You don’t have a very good time in high school. People try to blow you out. You are called a freak. Do you think you should let them break you ? Do you think you should go home to your mom crying « Oh I have no frinds ». No ! Study really hard, read all the books in the library, become stronger, become the best to show them that they are freaks. And then you understand that you won ’cause most of those cool guys are struggling all the life, at 18 they  are at their pick. So squeeze your fists and prove that you are the best, ‘because you are. There is no way a person can be great without working and believing in his spirit to succeed.

“Lady Gaga – Born This Way”

Whether life’s disabilities left you outcast, bullied, or teased, rejoice and love yourself today, ’cause baby you were born this way. 
                                                                                                Lady Gaga

When your life tells you « You are an asshole ! I am your life. And I’m gonna bite you in your ass again and again ! I want you to have nothing. I want you to sit on your coach watching TV, whining you have no friends, you are not pretty, not talented enough. Try to fight with your shitty life to become stronger, to get rid of all your insecurities. Stop slapping yourself !”, you should find strength and smack her, hit her! Life like everything and always is difficult. The spark which is inside everyone can’t be extinguished. So when your life comes back to bite you in your ass again you should put a muzzle on it and hold your life on a short lead.
I am always inspired by people who work a lot to become the best. I love people saying “Tonight my religion is working” with all my heart. There are no words to explain who much I respect them. I mean not doing just some work. I mean working on yourself. Developing. Forgetting all the drinks, all the people trying to make you live an empty life. Set a goal and work on it. This is how being successful goes. You can’t help agreeing that this is so dull when a boy who is 18 drives a Mercedes SLR McLaren just because his influential daddy gave him money. Much more interesting when a girl who has no money, no car, who learns the words almost all day, who writes songs, who tries to bring something new in this world, something clever, becomes a rockstar. Not for money. To have fame, to reach what she has been dreaming about, to teach other people to be artless, to become stronger, to stand their ground. There is no epatage here. Only talent, work, heart, brain and will power. 
So, please, listen to your heart! Forget all the words people said, all the fears, follow your dream, never stop! Get rid of all envy and hypocrisies. Be natural. Think. Stop listening to any advice, create your own life! Find your inspiration. Start doing it right now. Do what you want. Do everything to become happy, work on your dream. Make your mistakes, have your own experience, try, try and try even if this is not one of the society’s points of laws. Don’t think of critics, don’t listen to others, “They are just a crowd”. Don’t be afraid of something people don’t like. And yes again. I tell you not to listen to your parents. This is your life! Don’t allow this disrespect! Forget all the pros and cons. Nothing’s perfect. Do you really think those people know better how life goes?

Who actually knows where this fucking truth is. Don’t allow being controlled. If nobody understands you, fuck them all. Do you really need the respect of your classmates or people who you don’t know at all? Don’t give up your dream, fight for it, stand on your own, never accept less than you deserve!
 
So I want a musician to write the best songs, to learn the words, to become the best ever. I want a journalist to write notes, to try to make this world better b want people to make this world better. To become better. In the reality I can’t expect people to become better or even try to do this. But in my heart I believe that this is possible. I don’t like the reality. It measures you. And… hm… don’t you dare to try to make me think this is not right. I am a man, damn it! I will do what I feel in my heart.
 
So do all the things, follow your art not to show somebody something, but to do it because you feel this. Inside.
 
In the conclusion it remains only to say that art doesn’t mean being dishonest. Art should flood from your heart. Art is everything you do. This is priceless because it is your own story. And I wanna apologize for having written such a long story. I am not the best writer, you can even find my story dull, it’s OK. I have done this because I felt that I should do this. I also hope that you managed to understand all the things I tries to explain.
 I wanna add that I’ll be very glad if at least one person has enough patient to read all this till the end.   

Your Life Is Not a Theater But Art

Why I Do This

26 Feb

This letter is only for one person in this world. I turn to you.

Do u know why I do all this? I write to u, I tried to call u, but there was no result. I know that I can be intursive, I think u have already mentioned it. This pushed a lot of people way from me. I know it. It’s not like I am an egoist or have nothing to do. I’m just afraid of loosing u.

So afraid! I also think if I’m doing everything right, but then I try just to be myself. And I do this. I am just true to who I am. I don’t know what u did, I don’t know what u said, but if I loose u, it will be like a crucifix for me.

Do u remember “Dancer on a rope” – the first song u sent me, do u remeber our talkings, do u remeber my recordings in which I try to tell u what I think and feel, do u still remember all this? I love it) I know u love it too) That is almost the only reason why I visit this site.

I understood. U just brought me to life. In the times I lost almost all my friends, u supported me and became my friend. You told me something that changed me. All the talkings about bravery, being strong, working. U inspired me and still do this. U helped me. U talk to me. That’s why I love u! U know how, yes?)

U are very interesting for me. U and your creative work mean very much for me. There is something there I couldn’t see anywhere. Something very close to my soul. That is when Gaga wrote “Born This Way”. Almost the same. I can’t find the right reason, but it is)

Do u remeber “Together whatever happens”. These were my words. I still feel this. I have never met such person who is my soulmate and who differs from me in the same time. And in the times when I become so crazy that start writing “Is everything alright” or when I write such notes I just wanna say that u mean much to me. And our friendship means much to me) Can u understand me? Won’t u be scared?

The perfect world… but unreal.

25 Feb

I hate the reality. I hate all this. The reality means being measured. That’s why I have to create my own world. The only imperfection of it is its perfection. Perfection means being unhappy all the time. Because this is impossible.

I’m am a human being. This is what I understood after lots of hours of digging myself. This means I’m am an artist. I have to create my life. This is not the truth. This is all lies. Did I tell telling lies is so bad?

When there is nothing good, you have to create it. This is what I know. To create something good  you have to create your own world. The real world sucks. People die, people are killed by people. A lot of people wish u sucked. So you are to be alone. To stay with your thoughts and try to imagine a little island, where you will feel ok. This is what I did. This is a place where I have some of my closest friends, a $20.000.000 flat in the centre of NYC. Fame. This is unreal. Yet. When I reach it, I’ll try to convince myself that this is what I wanted. This is what I reached! This is great! But this is not. You lie again and again. There is no perfect world! You have to fight and fight again for your rights, for being a personality. This is hard. This brings you down sometimes. So why not to lie yourself? Why not to imagine this is all the truth.

To live. This is the only principle I have. I imagine that I’ll always be alive. So I have to do a lot of things. This helps to believe that all your great plans for future and present will come true. This helps to believe in your power.

 I can’t undersrand this pathetic world. These celebrities doing all this dirty stuff just to promote themselves. More, more, more money. This is what they need.

I adore this unreal world. Here a singer will sing just to express her thoughts, just to sing. Just to follow her dream.

Almost no one can understnad this world. People are surprised by it. In the bad sense. They are idiots. Is there anything good here? This stupid world makes her be miles away from me. No, I don’t want to fuck her, I don’t want her to do something for me. I just want her to exist. That’s why it hurts so much to know that Mona Lisa exists. Did u know she is small?

And right now I promise to the darkness of this room, I promise to u, fucking queen, if u are reading all this you should know that all the symbolism from above is left behind. I promise to make my world as perfect as I can. Do u know that we will never stop ? We will never  be really happy ’cause we’ll always try more and more. More and more. Until we die. Isn’t it happiness?